Post MSMD

Since the MSMD DVD came out I've been asked a lot about my solo of Fast & Furious and in particular why I did it. At the time I was really pushing myself regardless of the fact I had a girlfriend at the time, I thought being with someone would've slowed me down but it acted as a catalyst to drive me harder. I knew there was no future for us but at the same time I knew the inevitable split was going to hurt. The best way I could handle this was to hide my pain under the dark but comfortable and familiar quilt of risk as I knew doing that would distract me from the hurt. I had to find something that would chase these particular demons away so first I got on an E3 solo I had previously backed off, I nearly fell due to crap friction and it was the first time I really felt that blackness take over when every other thing disappears and it was just me and 1 move to survive, I thought that would do the trick,it didn't............

What next?? I had thought about soloing F&F before but not in a properly serious way, this should do it I thought. I was strong at this particular time and with the control I had felt in the close call the previous week and another crumbling relationship I left one afternoon with my mate Al to Newtyle......... About a third up the route

I listened to my mind intently on the way up that day and decided to wear a trail rope to get back from the lower off, it wouldn't stop me in the event of a fall or hold breaking but protected me if my bottle crashed. I knew it would be hard as the route is M10/11 and on unpredictable rock. I arrived and had no real need to do my usual routine to get into the right head space as I had been in it for days. I jumped on the route...............
The picture above captured my expression as I suddenly realised where I was and what I was doing, the look on Al's face wasn't a reassuring one either. The route went without mishap and the only words during and for about 10 minutes after were from Al, "Well done you crazy bastard".

Crazy?? I don't think I am but I've had many comments recently from people thinking I am or that I'm even suicidal. In my opinion there's a world of difference between wanting to die and being lucky enough to have found something that means that much to me that I'm willing to take that chance. I am perhaps ,as Climb magazine described me, "troubled" but I channel those problems into my climbing and leave some of them behind when the route is done. I turned the negative of my relationship breakdown into the positive of success (survival) on a dangerous climb.

A few days after doing this I received a text from another climber saying that it wasn't really a solo as I had a trail rope which confirmed what I was already thinking. I knew I was going to have to back and commit myself 100% to soloing that route. It was a year later and in training for a particular route I found myself standing at the bottom of the route again. This time I had only the experiences and memories of the things that motivate this kind of climbing to get me into that frame of mind........

I once again headed off up the route, no harness, rope or helmet, pure commitment to the climb. At just beyond the halfway point I got a pain in my stomach and had to hang vertically and free to stretch it out but it went away and I got re-focused and finished the route. When I got back to the ground the lads who were filming etc looked more shell-shocked than I was.
The real solo

I'm glad I done it as it answered a few personal questions and lifted one particular weight from my shoulders which means in my head it was worth the risk. However a few days after I done it one of my friends went on it (no-one had been on it since) and a hold blew on him. I felt sick when I heard this as I thought about how easily that could've been me. I'm just glad he had a rope on and it happened after I had climbed it..............